2011 Super Bowl Recap

Craftiest Pre-Super Bowl Plan

The NFL and carnival barker Jerry Jones sold over 1,200 tickets for Super Bowl seats at Jerry World that didn’t exist. The Surgeon General should require a warning on future Super Bowl tickets that they may be hazardous to your mental health and pocketbook.

Stupidest Pre-Super Bowl Presentation

Local Dallas City Councilman/Jock-Sniffer Dwaine Caraway gave Philadelphia Eagles quarterback/convicted felon/animal torturer Michael Vick a Key to the City. Caraway, who frequently struggles with the truth, claimed that he did it “for the kids” who look up to Michael Vick. It’s easy to understand why kids would look up to Michael Vick, because he’s taller than they are, it’s a little harder to understand the adults, like Caraway, who look up to Michael Vick. No wonder our country is spiraling down the toilet. Michael Vick served his time in prison for his crimes and deserves his reinstatement to the NFL, but he doesn’t deserve any special recognition for being a role model to children, or as someone deserving a key to any city – anywhere!

Worst Performance of National Anthem

Oh, Say can you see . . . Christina Aguilera is talented, but not enough to get away with butchering the National Anthem prior to the Super Bowl kickoff. I’d suggest the NFL should trade vocal trilling for legitimate performer patriotism in future Super Bowl renditions. Sing it like it’s writ, or don’t sing it at all.

Worst Half-Time Performance

The NFL was concerned that half-time shows since the Janet Jackson wardrobe malfunction a few years ago featured performers who only appealed to an older audience, so they brought in the Black Eyed Peas to “young it up” in 2011. Unfortunately, I had finished my pizza before halftime, so the NFL’s desire to “young it up” conflicted with my desire to “keep my pizza down.” Following a grand entrance from the rafters of Jerry World, the mediocre dancing and techno tunes from will.i.am and Fergie failed to impress, although I was immediately struck by how much will.i.am’s plastic hair hat reminded me of Cowboys owner Jerry Jones.

Worst Turf

Can anyone remember a previous indoor Super Bowl where so many players went down to injury? Where did Jerry get this turf – from a Carpet Remnants store? Since Jerry Jones purchased the Dallas Cowboys, quality of play and team facilities has always taken a backseat to Jerry’s incessant promotionalism. The team’s Irving practice facility collapsed like a house of cards in May 2009, injuring players, coaches, and other Cowboys’ personnel, some permanently. Days before this year’s Super Bowl, several people were injured when sheets of ice cascaded from off the roof of Cowboys Stadium and onto their heads. Jerry likes to brag that Cowboys Stadium is like a beautiful woman with “curves in all the right places” but his stadium may have more in common with the woman your mother warned you about . . .

Most Annoying Fox Television Contrivance

The bouncing, stretching, dancing Transformer Cheerleader in the lower left corner of the screen is just plain stupid.

Most Nauseating Super Bowl Commercial

If I never see the Doritos “Best Part” commercial again, I might save myself a trip to the emergency room. It was bad enough to see the Doritos addicted moron sucking on his coworkers’ fingers, but when he ripped off another coworkers trousers to lick them, I was afraid I might go blind. Since this year’s Super Bowl ads were going for $3 Million per 30 seconds, whoever was responsible for this lowbrow look at snack food should have to pay ME $3 Million. And what man wears tear-away trousers anyway?

Most Irritating Super Bowl Commercials (tie)

People foolish enough to live in Detroit (as opposed to those who can’t help it) were reportedly inspired by the $12 Million Chrysler Super Bowl ad (excluding production costs). I’m sure most Americans share my viewpoint that it was a massive waste of money for a company that makes an inferior product and received $4 Billion in Bailout Bucks from U.S. taxpayers before filing for bankruptcy. Equally annoying was the Super Bowl commercial depicting GM vehicles dodging one natural disaster after another. The biggest disaster ever to befall General Motors was engineered by its own mismanagement team, resulting in another $50 Billion in Bailout Bucks from we the people.

Best Super Bowl Commercial (lest you think I don’t have anything positive to say)

The Volkswagen commercial with the pint-sized Darth Vader was already an internet hit before the Super Bowl aired. It was even better when the 6-year-old actor was unmasked for an interview in which we learned that he was born with a congenital heart defect. The internet version of this commercial was actually a little better than the one on television, presumably to save some of that $3 Million per 30-seconds paid to Fox. I’ve shared the link here in case you missed it:

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